“No one ever listens to me. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.”- Leonard Cohen

“(If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.)”  - Steven Wright

“Conversation: a vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener”  - Anonymous

“My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.”  - Anonymous

“If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.”  - Anonymous

“Women like silent men. They think they’re listening."  - Marcel Archard

“What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.”  - Dave Barry

“I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.”  - George Carlin

“I've learned to look like I'm listening to long confusing plots of cartoons and comic books when I'm actually sound asleep or making grocery shopping lists in my head.” - Patricia Heaton

“One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.”  - Franklin P. Jones 

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.” - Doug Larson

“I can’t listen that much to Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."   - Woody Allen (Ah, the power of listening!) ;D
“Boredom is having to listen to someone talk about himself when I want to talk about me.”  - Tom Paciorek 

“Congress is so strange. A man gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens and then everybody disagrees.”  - Boris Marshalov

“Make sure you have finished speaking before your audience has finished listening.”  - Dorothy Sarnoff 

“Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”  - Homer J. Simpson

“Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?”  - Kelvin Throop III 

“You know, it’s at times like this when I’m trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don’t know, I didn’t listen!"  - Douglas Adams - author, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy